The Middle Way of Death.

Today is the 7th anniversary of the 9/11 event, and as I read the posts of various blogs I follow, of the editor letters in the paper, and general internet chatter, I find myself thinking about death.

Especially the topic of mourning a death of a loved one. Death, and our reaction to it, is a perfect example of the Middle Way that Buddha lived and taught. You see, when you think about it, its rather selfish to mourn the death of someone. If you believe in a life after death, either Heaven, Pure Land, reincarnation, etc, then you can be comforted by the hope that maybe they are in a better place. If you are of the opinion that death is the final end, then you can be comforted that they are no longer suffering. Either way, mourning is selfish, a way to comfort ourselves, to drown ourselves in regret, sorrow, and loss.

Yet modern psychology tells us that mourning is A) perfectly natural and B) healthy, when done properly.

In order to further understand, we must realize that the word "selfish" is free of any positive or negative connotations. To be selfish, in it's truest sense, is merely to take care of one's body and mind. Now one can be too selfish, or not selfish enough, and both of those paths lead to suffering.

The purpose of mourning is simply a way to deal with death, to recognize our attachment to that person, and to learn to let go of that attachment. Sounds healthy enough, and usually it is. Sometimes though we take that sorrow and loss and wrap it around us, letting it overwhelm us, drowning in the despair like an angsty teenager without a prom date, shaking a fist at the sky and saying "Oh, woe is me!"
When we do that, we are not mourning for that person, but for what we've personally lost, and in doing so, I think, is rather disrespectful of the deceased. We are supposed to be mourning for them, reflecting and acknowledging their life, not obsessing over what we have lost and forgetting the present moments passing us by. Its rather ironic when you think about it; we lose present moments by obsessing over what we have lost. By obsessing over the loss of a life, we lose part of ours.

Another way people try to deal with death is to be strong, not letting their natural emotions affect them at all, and go back to their daily lives. They may throw themselves into their work, or keep as busy as possible so they won't have to deal with the person's death. Psychologically speaking this is unhealthy because the person is not confronting the death and their feelings connected to the loss, and because they do so, they are denying reality, thus creating dukka (dissatisfaction).

Thus we have the middle way of death and mourning, to acknowledge the death, deal with our feelings surrounding the death, honoring the dead by reflecting on their life, and not using their death as an excuse to feel sorry for ourselves, or denying the affect their death has on us altogether. Letting go of our attachment to their lives and moving on with ours.

Buddha says...

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
- Buddha

This is one I need to remember.
I tend to define myself on what I can do for others. I like to help people. I'm a broke college student who is constantly absorbed in my studies and work, so there usually isn't much I can do. But I try. I give rides (most of my friends don't own a car), offer food or drinks, comfort, laughter, advice, what ever I can.

I like to please others. But sometimes I get so obsessed with pleasing others that I tend to forget about myself. It's actually a human habit: when we have a lot of obligations and a full schdule, the thing we tend to neglect first is ourselves. I have a hard time saying no to people, if they need help, want me to do something with them, or just hang out in general, I go out of my way to make it happen, or try to. Occasionally, especially when I get really busy, this tends to lead to a lot of stress and frustraition. I want to please everyone, and usually I can't.

I tend to feel bad and unworthy of the good fortune in my life. My parents pay for nearly everything to keep me a live and in college. (I have a job, but it is very low pay and with school starting up, very few hours. I keep mostly for the job experience.) I have a decent apartment, a reliable car, paid college education. I shouldn't have it this easy.

I need to remember this quote. Maybe post it up on my bedroom wall.

Buddha says...

"A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden."
- Buddha

This quote weighs heavily in my mind. I was raised in two families, living mostly with my mother, and living with my father on the weekends.
My father's family was full of alcoholism, cigarette smoke, verbal abuse, cable tv on all day, lots of animals, old books, long sunny days by the lake, watching my dad constantly build and add on to the house, turing a cramped weekend cabin into a moderately sized home. The nights were long and loud, either with fighting or laughter.
My mother's house was large, white, spacious, cold. My sisters married young and moved a gtand total of two blocks away. They came over often, usually with all their children in tow. No one smoked or drank or swore, the tv was usually off, the nights were quiet. My mom and I were moderate chrisitans, my sisters were far more conservative, one to the point of evangelicalism.
In other words, my two homes were complete opposites of each other, and I really didn't fit into either of them. My relationship with some of them is rather shaky, though somewhat improved from years past. I've slowly managed to forgive and get over ym step-mother's abuse, and I have managed to hide certain aspects of my life from my mother's family in order to keep the peace. I wish I could be myself around them, honestly I do, but that would create more havoc then good.
I love them, and they love me, or at least, their perception of me. I fear what would happen if I told my mom and sisters that I was Buddhist. My mom discovering that I was bisexual did enough damage, I don't wish to further strain our relationship.

Because of this, I have adopted a third family, my friends. They have their own flaws, and they are accepting of mine. I can talk, laugh, hug, and cry with them without fear of judgement, and the really good ones will be there for me and help me when I need it, just as I try to help them. I consider them my family, but that is no reason for me to distance myself from those who are related to me by blood and marriage.

I need to spend more time contemplating this verse and my current situation with my family. The good thing about this quote is that it's meaning, a harmony of minds, can apply to both family and friends.

Zen 101

I've been reading "The Heart of Buddha's Teaching" by Thich Nhat Hanh. I had read/skimmed through a few previous books introducing Buddhism, but this one is the best so far. I realized this was the one for me based on one simple fact: I'm reading it very slowly. Ridiculously slowly.
Usually that's a bad thing, it means I can't get into the book, and will eventually set it down where it will remain untouched until who knows when.
But this is the first book I've intentionally read slowly. I find myself savoring each word. I'll read a chapter, think about it for a few days or weeks, then go back, review it, and read the next chapter, and repeat the process.
I've never enjoyed a book so much, not so much for the content itself, but the experience of the book.

School starts in three weeks for me, so I've been reading like crazy, trying to enjoy the precious last few moments of free time before diving back into my studies. I decided over the summer I want to learn some basic Japanese and go to Japan in a few years to experience it. I feel so uncomfortable going to countries where I don't know the language, where I get in line behind all the other tourists, and feel as if there is a wall between me and the local culture. I loved going to France because I knew enough French to explore the streets, ask for directions, order a meal, shop in the stores, etc. I hated Italy because I didn't even know how to say hello, so I just followed the tourist groups everywhere, saw all the sights that the tourists are obliged to see, that are set up and preserved for the tourists, and I feel like I missed out on a great deal of culture. So when I go to Japan, I want to go to Japan, I want to experience it. I want to get lost and eat at little local holes in the walls and crash at cheap motels and hostels, laugh with everyone around me, local and tourist alike.
So I looked at the Japanese offerings at the University. It's a popular language to learn here, so the program is pretty good. I can't take any Japanese classes this fall because of my work schedule, but this spring I should be able to figure something out. As I was looking at the course listings, I found out that the Japanese department is offering a Zen Buddhism class, and only had one spot left. How nifty is that? It is only one credit, and doesn't collide with my work schedule. I was giddy for the rest of the day.

Buddha at home

Yesterday I finally managed to set up my alter. Some Buddhists don't have keep personal alters, some do, its a personal choice thing. I like having one around. Seeing Buddha sit peacefully, meditating in the candle light reminds me of his teachings, of the four noble truths, the eightfold path.
It's on top of a small bookshelf in my bedroom. Buddha meditates infront of four candles, one for each noble truth. I love it.

Buddha says....

"Let us live in joy, free of hatred, among the spiteful; among the spiteful let us live without hatred." - Buddha

I love this quote. All around me, and sometimes in myself as well, I see so much hatred in places where joy would be better benefited.
Instead of hating an old friend's betrayal, why not take joy in the times when the friendship was strong?

Take joy in all things. Live in joy.

It something I find myself working on everyday, to live in joy, despite the hatred around me. The path is bumpy, but the result is rewarding ^_^